IS THIS STILL LOVE?

Him: Did your sexual desire come back?

Me: Not really.

Him: So why’s that thing now?

(…)

Him: Look, I’m not even going to say anything. You want me to be mad at you; you know exactly how to solve what’s worrying you.

Me: Who told you I’m feeling like this because of it? That’s what you’re thinking so it’s your problem. I don’t feel okay having sex and full stop.

Him: Go to a convent then. If it’s not that than what is it? Can you tell me?

Me: I don’t know! If that’s not reason enough for you I can’t do anything else. If you don’t want to be with me because I don’t feel okay having sex you must decide what you want to do about your life.

(Long pause)

Me: So you’re not going to talk with me anymore?

Him: I know that’s only a phase but you need to do something to get over it… And if you think I’m saying this because I think sex is everything, you’re wrong. But it’s not dispensable and I wouldn’t like to have sex with someone who doesn’t feel okay everytime we make love. I prefer to tell you this while we are apart so this situation doesn’t get worse when we’ll be together.

Me: Uau! Yeah, I understand…

Him: Thanks God you do.

Me: Yeah, I realized you want to work this out while we’re apart… Hmm

Him: Babe do you think we’re going to hold this feeling as two virgins we’re not? I’m “starving” for you.

Me: What if I want to feel virgin again?

Him: I’d be crazy to take your virginity.

Me: What if I didn’t want to? Would you respect me?

Him: Look, I don’t want to be cruel but it doesn’t make any sense and you know that when you talk about you’re virginity you make me travel to a past I want to forget… I think that you’re the one who should think about life it’s you, not me.

Me: Oh, thank you then.

Me: If you don’t want to stay with me because apparently you’re “hungry” speaks louder than this “love” who am I to keep you in this relationship?

Him: We shouldn’t delay things when we know they’re going to happen sooner or later… I can’t tell you I’ll stay with you until you decide to get you’re self-tested, do the damn exams and decide to have sex again. I am human, I have needs. It’s up to you if you understand that, if not, it’s too bad.

Me: UAU!

Me: I’ll only tell you one thing, I thought you’re love for me was different… but I guess I was wrong.

Him: That’s the problem. You’re only worried about how you feel, you’re not even thinking that I want to be with someone healthy, someone who takes care of herself, not someone who’s waiting for the worst to come and then I’ll not be there to give you my shoulder. I’ve been warning you to look after your physical and mental condition, now don’t come to me with that talk about fake love because if concern is not proof of love enough this is it.

Me: I don’t have to give you any explanations or whatever, we all have a past, a present and a future that deserve to be respected. If the way I lost my virginity makes you travel to a past you want to forget about then I’m pretty sure you don’t want to remember who I am. You can be “starving” or whatever but I’m not going to be making love to you just to satisfy you. I’m going to tell you, if you want SEX I’m the wrong person. Making love is some other dimension, something I haven’t tasted yet because I’m supposed to feel amazing and I don’t, I feel used. “Uau, the man came, that’s so good… now the woman has to wait for him to get his strength again...” No way!
Making love is only one act, no two.
If you think you’re too “starving” that’s not love then…

Me: But who the hell told you my loss of sexual desire has anything to do with me getting tested or not? You keep insisting on it, and you’ll keep insisting and I’ll test myself and my desire is not going to come back and then, what are you going to be based on?

Him: First of all “starving” was just an expression I used to tell you that I wish you. I don’t care about you’re past and I think I gave you enough evidences so if you’re with doubts about us I don’t think you should’ve insisted in our relationship. You were loved by me and I thought you felt that but if today you’re telling me that then it’s that’s because you lied to make me feel alright. Well, about the others who’ve been in your life, only you know if you felt used because you gave them your body with that exactly purpose.
I’m sorry for being sincere but I’m like this.

Me: Okay, cool then. You really want me to feel guilty because I don’t feel like having sex, don’t you? Even though I feel like this since December and “the others” only appeared in my life after that… Whatever! Thank you for trying to make me feel guilty, BREAKING NEWS: I don’t feel guilty at all.

Him: I don’t want you to feel guilty I just don’t want you to be unfair with me when I only want to be okay with you. Since you were not sincere about December, let me tell you that I don’t like hypocrisy so don’t even try to hide behind smiles and fake orgasms when things are not okay.

Him: And if you don’t feel okay making love with me you’re wasting your time then.

Me: Did I ever mention fake orgasms and fake smiles? Uau! You’re using sincerity in the wrong way, if you think that’s attitude you really need to check a dictionary.
We talked about this before and you said you had noticed my lack of desire, you said you felt I was weird… Now if you changed your mind it’s up to you.

Him: Babe, I think we should talk about this tomorrow, I’m not very well.

Me: Whatever.

Him: I’m mixing things and feelings, I feel like I’m going off the tracks. I’m tired because I didn’t sleep that much and I’m a little bit moody. We’ll talk tomorrow, I’m sorry.

Me: Whatever you want. It seems to me I don’t feel like talking about this, not even tomorrow or after tomorrow.

Him: I agree.

Him: We’ll talk tomorrow. Kiss, sleep well.

Me: Okay, I re-read the whole conversation.

1º - When I said I didn’t want to talk about this anymore it didn’t mean that things will be okay. I prefer to leave this business alone, only God knows! I want you to stay alone with your incomprehension, your selfishness because I’m not being the only self-centred person here.

2º - You should try to understand that I don’t want to be selfish and just because I’m afraid of getting myself tested has anything to do with my loss of sexual desire.

3º - You said: “And if you don’t feel okay making love with me you’re wasting you’re time.”

Once again, you used very well the words, exactly as you did when you broke up with me. Grow up a little bit more and think before you speak okay?

AND ONCE AGAIN.
If you’re being so sincere why didn’t you resume all this to only one word?

“First of all “starving” was just and expression I used to tell you I wish you. I don’t care about you’re past and I think I gave you enough evidences so if you’re with doubts about us I don’t think you should’ve insisted in our relationship. You were loved by me and I thought you felt that but if today you’re telling me that that’s because you lied to make me feel alright. Well, about the others who’ve been in your life, only you know if you felt used because you gave them you’re body with that exactly aim.
I’m sorry for being sincere but I’m like this.”

EUPHEMISM. WHAT FOR? Whore! Wouldn’t it be easier?
Nope! I don’t feel insulted. I respect others’ opinions.

4º - Just because we’re far from each other we don’t need to be always talking about sex and sexual desire, “dirty talk” and when we get back together we don’t need to be always having sex. Not all the time.

5º - I love you. Just because I love you it doesn’t mean I want to have sex, talk about sex, ALL THE TIME! When I say “I want to sleep with you” it means I want to fall asleep by your side and wake up by your side, I ONLY want to sleep with you.
I want to be with you on the beach, in a club or even with only you and I don’t want to be always kissing and making out, I ONLY want to be with you.
I’m growing up, there’s some stuff I don’t feel like doing anymore, not like before, just TAKE IT EASY. Step by step.
And now I’m the one who’s telling this, if you think you can’t do it then you’re wasting your time with me.

6º - It doesn’t hurt anymore.

7º - I can be very confused, undecided or drastic and impulsive but I still think. I think even when I take the right decisions but after all they’re wrong.
If you don’t understand a woman maybe you need to find a girl again.
This distance, and during this time we haven’t been together as a couple, changed us and I recognize I changed a lot, I grew up. Step by step, I’m taking my responsibility; I’m putting every little piece of my life back together. I don’t blame you because you’re not here to watch me, I don’t blame myself because I can’t describe every little bit of my days, my thoughts, my plans.

8º - If you think we don’t work out anymore, I’ll let you go.
I know I insisted but you came back and I didn’t make you come back to me. The MAN and the WOMAN were taught to say NO. Sometimes we have to use the NO and not the HEART.

9º - Think well. Don’t look just at me; don’t think only about the fact that I’m being SELFISH, what about you? What are being? How are you acting?