IS THIS STILL LOVE?

Him: Did your sexual desire come back?

Me: Not really.

Him: So why’s that thing now?

(…)

Him: Look, I’m not even going to say anything. You want me to be mad at you; you know exactly how to solve what’s worrying you.

Me: Who told you I’m feeling like this because of it? That’s what you’re thinking so it’s your problem. I don’t feel okay having sex and full stop.

Him: Go to a convent then. If it’s not that than what is it? Can you tell me?

Me: I don’t know! If that’s not reason enough for you I can’t do anything else. If you don’t want to be with me because I don’t feel okay having sex you must decide what you want to do about your life.

(Long pause)

Me: So you’re not going to talk with me anymore?

Him: I know that’s only a phase but you need to do something to get over it… And if you think I’m saying this because I think sex is everything, you’re wrong. But it’s not dispensable and I wouldn’t like to have sex with someone who doesn’t feel okay everytime we make love. I prefer to tell you this while we are apart so this situation doesn’t get worse when we’ll be together.

Me: Uau! Yeah, I understand…

Him: Thanks God you do.

Me: Yeah, I realized you want to work this out while we’re apart… Hmm

Him: Babe do you think we’re going to hold this feeling as two virgins we’re not? I’m “starving” for you.

Me: What if I want to feel virgin again?

Him: I’d be crazy to take your virginity.

Me: What if I didn’t want to? Would you respect me?

Him: Look, I don’t want to be cruel but it doesn’t make any sense and you know that when you talk about you’re virginity you make me travel to a past I want to forget… I think that you’re the one who should think about life it’s you, not me.

Me: Oh, thank you then.

Me: If you don’t want to stay with me because apparently you’re “hungry” speaks louder than this “love” who am I to keep you in this relationship?

Him: We shouldn’t delay things when we know they’re going to happen sooner or later… I can’t tell you I’ll stay with you until you decide to get you’re self-tested, do the damn exams and decide to have sex again. I am human, I have needs. It’s up to you if you understand that, if not, it’s too bad.

Me: UAU!

Me: I’ll only tell you one thing, I thought you’re love for me was different… but I guess I was wrong.

Him: That’s the problem. You’re only worried about how you feel, you’re not even thinking that I want to be with someone healthy, someone who takes care of herself, not someone who’s waiting for the worst to come and then I’ll not be there to give you my shoulder. I’ve been warning you to look after your physical and mental condition, now don’t come to me with that talk about fake love because if concern is not proof of love enough this is it.

Me: I don’t have to give you any explanations or whatever, we all have a past, a present and a future that deserve to be respected. If the way I lost my virginity makes you travel to a past you want to forget about then I’m pretty sure you don’t want to remember who I am. You can be “starving” or whatever but I’m not going to be making love to you just to satisfy you. I’m going to tell you, if you want SEX I’m the wrong person. Making love is some other dimension, something I haven’t tasted yet because I’m supposed to feel amazing and I don’t, I feel used. “Uau, the man came, that’s so good… now the woman has to wait for him to get his strength again...” No way!
Making love is only one act, no two.
If you think you’re too “starving” that’s not love then…

Me: But who the hell told you my loss of sexual desire has anything to do with me getting tested or not? You keep insisting on it, and you’ll keep insisting and I’ll test myself and my desire is not going to come back and then, what are you going to be based on?

Him: First of all “starving” was just an expression I used to tell you that I wish you. I don’t care about you’re past and I think I gave you enough evidences so if you’re with doubts about us I don’t think you should’ve insisted in our relationship. You were loved by me and I thought you felt that but if today you’re telling me that then it’s that’s because you lied to make me feel alright. Well, about the others who’ve been in your life, only you know if you felt used because you gave them your body with that exactly purpose.
I’m sorry for being sincere but I’m like this.

Me: Okay, cool then. You really want me to feel guilty because I don’t feel like having sex, don’t you? Even though I feel like this since December and “the others” only appeared in my life after that… Whatever! Thank you for trying to make me feel guilty, BREAKING NEWS: I don’t feel guilty at all.

Him: I don’t want you to feel guilty I just don’t want you to be unfair with me when I only want to be okay with you. Since you were not sincere about December, let me tell you that I don’t like hypocrisy so don’t even try to hide behind smiles and fake orgasms when things are not okay.

Him: And if you don’t feel okay making love with me you’re wasting your time then.

Me: Did I ever mention fake orgasms and fake smiles? Uau! You’re using sincerity in the wrong way, if you think that’s attitude you really need to check a dictionary.
We talked about this before and you said you had noticed my lack of desire, you said you felt I was weird… Now if you changed your mind it’s up to you.

Him: Babe, I think we should talk about this tomorrow, I’m not very well.

Me: Whatever.

Him: I’m mixing things and feelings, I feel like I’m going off the tracks. I’m tired because I didn’t sleep that much and I’m a little bit moody. We’ll talk tomorrow, I’m sorry.

Me: Whatever you want. It seems to me I don’t feel like talking about this, not even tomorrow or after tomorrow.

Him: I agree.

Him: We’ll talk tomorrow. Kiss, sleep well.

Me: Okay, I re-read the whole conversation.

1º - When I said I didn’t want to talk about this anymore it didn’t mean that things will be okay. I prefer to leave this business alone, only God knows! I want you to stay alone with your incomprehension, your selfishness because I’m not being the only self-centred person here.

2º - You should try to understand that I don’t want to be selfish and just because I’m afraid of getting myself tested has anything to do with my loss of sexual desire.

3º - You said: “And if you don’t feel okay making love with me you’re wasting you’re time.”

Once again, you used very well the words, exactly as you did when you broke up with me. Grow up a little bit more and think before you speak okay?

AND ONCE AGAIN.
If you’re being so sincere why didn’t you resume all this to only one word?

“First of all “starving” was just and expression I used to tell you I wish you. I don’t care about you’re past and I think I gave you enough evidences so if you’re with doubts about us I don’t think you should’ve insisted in our relationship. You were loved by me and I thought you felt that but if today you’re telling me that that’s because you lied to make me feel alright. Well, about the others who’ve been in your life, only you know if you felt used because you gave them you’re body with that exactly aim.
I’m sorry for being sincere but I’m like this.”

EUPHEMISM. WHAT FOR? Whore! Wouldn’t it be easier?
Nope! I don’t feel insulted. I respect others’ opinions.

4º - Just because we’re far from each other we don’t need to be always talking about sex and sexual desire, “dirty talk” and when we get back together we don’t need to be always having sex. Not all the time.

5º - I love you. Just because I love you it doesn’t mean I want to have sex, talk about sex, ALL THE TIME! When I say “I want to sleep with you” it means I want to fall asleep by your side and wake up by your side, I ONLY want to sleep with you.
I want to be with you on the beach, in a club or even with only you and I don’t want to be always kissing and making out, I ONLY want to be with you.
I’m growing up, there’s some stuff I don’t feel like doing anymore, not like before, just TAKE IT EASY. Step by step.
And now I’m the one who’s telling this, if you think you can’t do it then you’re wasting your time with me.

6º - It doesn’t hurt anymore.

7º - I can be very confused, undecided or drastic and impulsive but I still think. I think even when I take the right decisions but after all they’re wrong.
If you don’t understand a woman maybe you need to find a girl again.
This distance, and during this time we haven’t been together as a couple, changed us and I recognize I changed a lot, I grew up. Step by step, I’m taking my responsibility; I’m putting every little piece of my life back together. I don’t blame you because you’re not here to watch me, I don’t blame myself because I can’t describe every little bit of my days, my thoughts, my plans.

8º - If you think we don’t work out anymore, I’ll let you go.
I know I insisted but you came back and I didn’t make you come back to me. The MAN and the WOMAN were taught to say NO. Sometimes we have to use the NO and not the HEART.

9º - Think well. Don’t look just at me; don’t think only about the fact that I’m being SELFISH, what about you? What are being? How are you acting?

IT'S KARMA, BITCH!

I wish you could come back just to stare at you, ignore you and then turn around. I've learnt from you things I had liked to keep it only as part of my “imaginarium” but I found out through you they're more than real and not ordinary at all.
How can the human being be so insensitive himself? Why do we lie and keep performing the same mistakes all over again?
I cannot say this was one of the most difficult phases of my life but I've been walking over burning stones and it hurts although it was my own decision.
I learnt from you things I have learnt from others and day after day I find this society much more disgusting, more disrespectful than ever... And I wonder, are we even human yet or can we start rating ourselves as monsters? I'm really disappointed on you but who cares? I'm even more disappointed on myself for all the bad decisions, all the bad choices, for thinking I could have lived time of my life and once again I was wrong. But I learnt from the "best", yet I still need to face so many people like or worse than you.
Life is a long road!
I wish you could come back and hear the silent beat of my heart because whenever you're around or something reminds me of you, even if it's just the sound of your name coming out from someone else's mouth, I freeze as if I was dead because just the thought of you makes me want to die.
There's a soulmate for everyone but there are too many souls in this world for only one person. How can you love two people at the same time? I asked myself about this a few days ago, I actually thought it could be possible but it isn't. Either you love one either you hate the other, or you're just confused.
When that fog in your mind goes away and you start seeing things crystal clear, putting pieces together and the most important thing, get your feet back on the ground, you'll find out if you truly love someone or you're better off by yourself.
I started putting things together and truth is I was running away from an old feeling, something I wanted to forget but I couldn't I was so convinced I was over it but deep inside I knew I was not.
But through this walk, definitely a walk to remember so I won't hurt myself again, I found out 99% of men aren't worth it and that 1% it's what we call Luck. We have a lot of successful relationships and marriages in the world but times REALLY changed.
I want to know how can a man say he loves a woman, the one he considers the woman of his life, either is his girlfriend or wife and meanwhile he needs more than that? He needs someone else, someone replaceable and at the end of time we end up running out of fingers to could the "women of his life".
The worse is, the actual woman of his life ends up forgiving EVERYTHING. Why can't you just walk away? Why are you so scared?
What's wrong in finding someone new, in starting from zero, from "I don't know you" to "I know you so well"? People tend to feel secure with those who they already know, it's easier to deal with who knows you than with someone who doesn't and then you're going to have to tell them your whole life story all over again, what's wrong with that?
I know if we ending up telling people everything about ourselves there will be no "self" but there's nothing wrong with new beginnings and I really think you should find one. It's not fair on her, it's not fair on you but it's your miserable life anyway...
Poor boy, I realize now you're just a vacant broken boy as Adele says but it's true.
I thought you had a soul, I said it before and I'll say it again, I always try to believe in the good side of people and that's the ruin of me.
It makes me sick knowing what I know, knowing you; I saw that picture of you kissing that girl, what else's true?
Maybe we should've only been friends but we started off with a kiss.
I wish you could come back so I could stare at you and you'd look back at me and during that fraction of time you'd feel anything but nothing.
I found my way back, I knew my way back long time ago because I belong with him, I belong with my 1%.
I love him but still love has it pros and cons and I know it’s all about two people sharing their lives and most of the times things just don't go well, sometimes it feels really good and other times... Well this is the part when you're just a couple and you're used to it.
But I just need him, not you, not A, B, C or D because if it's the man of my life why would I hurt him like that? Why would I cheat on him like that? Just because we have time against us and miles between us? No!
I don't know the kind of game you tried to play but you won nothing but pain because I know I'm stronger than you, I know!
Some take ages to get over things, I took days. Guess you were never that important to me, players know how to play. You put the cards on the table and I played the game my way. I won some life experience but you... I don't know if you even care about yourself or who else is around.

"Not one resemble to the man I met, just a vacant broken boy instead."

Darkilus I'm Back!

People suck from me all the goodness I might have, people use and abuse from my inexistent patient. They need me when they're bored and they dismiss me when someone else comes and me, stupid as hell, I keep allowing this shit to happen. 

I've been to Italy this time, for seven days only to meet some people from my family, they're pretty cool actually. I noticed once again, not matter where I go I keep attracting the same kind of people, its like a vicious circus. 

Sometimes I still believe love between humans actually exists but day after day that feeling gets deteriorated inside me and hate grows. I think I'm becoming colder and it kind of scares me but I seem not to be able to love, only hate. 

I feel happier when I hate someone because then I'll hate that person forever but when I try to love someone I get hurt every second for nothing. Stupid love, why do you exist between some people when you seem to be absent from the whole world? Why do you enjoy provoking so much drama among the chaos? Isn't living painful enough yet? 

People say, people talk about, people like, people dislike, people just FUCKING ANNOY ME!! Nothing is ever alright, words are never right, feeling are always misunderstood and no one seems to be happy, they believe in happiness but they're not happy. Being happy and believing in happiness is different. People only believe because they expect but happiness is only temporary, one minute is here next minute is gone and what's left? 

I'm tired if drama, of getting emotionally attached to stupid people who don't even care but still I try. Why? I should just walk away or maybe walk over them like they do it with me but I really don't like to step on shit. 

Do I find happiness in anything? Yes I do, on my nephews. My baby boy is the most amazing thing in my world and my baby girl isn't born yet but I love her so much although I don't know her yet. "My" children are everything to me but I don't really picture myself as a mother or a wife. I'm the one and only and I'll always be the one and only, I won't procreate. 

I'm not patient, I feel like open my window and scream "Screw you" to everyone. I want to be on my own, alone. It's better to be single rather than being with someone who doesn't deserve you, who makes you laugh but makes you cry as well, who gives you hope and then takes it away. 

People LOVE telling me "I told you so", immoral people of course, they've never looked at themselves, they've never had a mirror in front of them. I totally hate immoral people, those who screw up at everything, those who just screwed up but if you do it they'll try to be correct you. Don't do it with me, I get so pissed off. Don't tell me I need to grow up when you ain't finish grown yet, yes, SCREW YOU immoral people!! 

I don't belong here, I don't want to be here, I confess I don't like this century at all. Why was I born? The question that never shuts up. 

Love implanted a hate seed inside of me and let it there to grow and grow until it reaches unporpotinal dimensions. A little bit of me still believes someone is going to come and save me but I'm not allowing it to happen. I don't want to be loved and then hurt and then loved again. I'm not a casino, I'm not a game for addicts I'm still a human in this inhuman world. 

I am not confident at all and it's amazing how even people who I truly love put me down everyday. My bad, I allowed it  but aren't supposed friends to help friends not to destroy them?? Aaann! Frenemis, I guess, that's what I'm surrounded by. 

Little cold and selfish society you made me believe there's no love to give. I never sold my soul, I never needed to I just know I belong to somewhere else, some other century not this one, somewhere new that might be old to you. 

P.S: I know I'm a human too, I just don't like being one. 

Headache

Today I got back to London and all I wanted was to get home as soon as possible. 

My friend bailed me out, well I guess I'm used to it, I'm used to give too much of myself to who doesn't deserve and getting nothing back, not even friendship. 

I'm letting myself go I really am, I'm just waiting to see what happens to this crumbling fool I've became along all these years. I'm driving myself crazy inside this big globe full with loads of unnecessary people and unnecessary drama. I'm a Drama Queen, yes I recognize that, so what? I'm addicted to the drama, to the pain, is there anything wrong with that? I feel like I can't even live without tears on my face and everytime I smile I feel like I'm being stabbed by myself, I'm being unreal. What's wrong with being sad? I kind of like the feeling it's better than happiness. Why being so happy for when on the next day you find you lost the love you loved the most? Either is a person, an animal, anything that's part of this disgusting world but belonged to you in certain way. Why are you so self-centric for? Really? I respect your pain why can't you respect mine?

Right now I'm laying in my bed and it feels good to be sad, it feels good to remember and the first thing I’ve realized when I walked into this room is that it doesn't have my own smell it has yours, amazing how after loads and loads of seconds you odour is still lingers even if it's only inside my head, my imagination. 

I'm grieving, I buried my heart and your back to her and as Amy Winehouse said, I'm back to black. It feels weird not knowing about you... 

But at the same time it feels nice missing you, being away from you, it's helping me realize and I still got a lot to realize. Who doesn't? 

I thought I had the right people in my life, in fact I do but some just need to leave, they're not part of the whole picture. Unnecessary people!

I remember a time when I had to say hello to everyone, answer back to comments on hi5 and stuff like that, when I always wanted to dress good for school and be told I was looking nice... Old times, thanks God! I don't like that much attention and I really don't like people who think they deserve attention, annoying people! Some might think I'm desperately asking for attention, guess what? They don't really know me. In fact they'll never will. 

I'm not a very pleasant person and during times like this I can be really mean, I'm mean actually. I'm done with trying to be nice and super sociable. I'm not, got that? Don't like it? Too bad, I wasn't born to please you. 

I need to leave and when I say this I'm not talking about going to another country but maybe to another planet. No! I need to leave this body. 

I'm insane and you people don't want to believe, well you don't have too... I remember that day I was completely upset so as soon as I walked into my friend’s car I started hitting myself and pulling my hair. Gosh! I try, I really try to control it when I'm around people but that time I just had enough. I'm so fed up I don't know what's next... I'm afraid because I feel I'm capable of horrible things if I'm out of control. 

I don't want to be in control right now, I'm okay this way, I'm just being me and I'm done with controlling my impulses. 

Why don't you get a life instead of trying living mine? For f*ck sake!!!

After New York.

Diary Entry from Monday, 15 August 2011

I'm not drunk, I'm not wasted, I'm tired really tired. I'm Torned apart, Insecure, Really faking my smile, Extremely sad and Drowning in tears but I don't even know why. As most of people say I ain't reasons for that but do they know the reasons behind the smiles? But still I ain't got reasons, nothing really bad happened in my life yet I'm just a spoiled kid who wants to travel around the world looking for "I don't know what".
I do, I say and I think horrible stuff when I'm drunk and though my body hurts and I'm physically and emotionally tired I can't seem to find another way to feel happy even  if it's just for a while.

Oh damn!! I don't love no one I don't even love myself but deep inside there's only one man in my life. My Days without him are so empty, so Different, so useless... I feel and I am mess. Not because of this but I've became a huge mess along the way. I'm lost now and I seem not to find my way back and all I see ahead is darkness, the only place the only shelter I'll ever have.
Why living life so empty even with loads of things?? Why didn't I forget you yet even if I want, even if I fight to but there's always a time when you come back to me, only as a memory because I haven't heard your voice ever since... You know.
I need to be alone but I'm scared of lonely and right now I don't know ANYTHING but I'm scared, I want to be alone away from everything and everyone, I can't stand this anymore, I can't stand life anymore.
I can't stand the fact that I'm alive and I'm wasting someone    else's time. I'm crying and as lots of people say I don't have any motives to, well they must know it better than me!
I want to go to a place where no one hears about me, no one asks for me and fake they're worried about me, a place where there's only me, myself and I. I want to disappear, please!

After New York.

Pee...ople

People, people and more people. I’m so full of people aren’t you? Have you ever tried to walk in my shoes? Have you ever tried to walk in someone else’s shoes but yours? So why do you think you know everything about my life, why do you think you know everything about life at all?
I’m so frustrated, so angry right now that I think even the Gods from Olympus felt what I’m feeling because I think there’s a thunder coming.
Seriously I can’t take it no more, I just want to go home and lock myself away from this world, it’s getting worst day after day. I wonder where are those human who used to procreate and as result of it they had wonderful babies who become wonderful humans. They’re rare now, they’re really rare. I hardly find a genuine person and it’s freaking me out, where in this world are we going to end? Flipping hell.
I’m so stressed right now, I feel like punching some walls and tearing some sheets, breaking some glasses and scream out loud. I’m going crazy, this world is really driving me crazy. Come on people, when are you going to understand that the world is more than just this?
Even if you have everything you’re not happy, you might have nothing but still you’re not happy. What makes you happy? Are you looking for happiness? What if you’re not? I’m not looking for happiness, I think I’m doing just fine this way and right now there’s nothing better than this. I’m feeling really down to the earth and it’s awesome but people around me are still dreaming. Life is not a sea of roses, nothing is easy and being happy is not really our first option. Stop being stupid, stop relying on feeling because they won’t take you anywhere but the grave. Don’t you dare come and tell me I should look for something to make me happy, are you for real? Being happy is not the most important thing in this sad world. Being happy is just a distraction for fools, falling in love is for people with too much free time and hating someone is not being happy with who you are.
For real, wake up! This planet needs to be saved and while you’re in love you’re not really helping, there are things more important than feelings. In order to accomplish our personal goals sometimes we have to leave feelings behind, leave people being, grow up and growing up ain’t easy. Having a driving license doesn’t make you any older or being part of a religious community doesn’t make you any saint. I don’t mean to offend anyone but it’s pretty real what I’m saying. People are bad, no matter what they do, no matter what they believe and it doesn’t even matter if they pray twice or more a day, people are evil. You’re evil. Some try to fight against their real nature but it won’t work, you’re going to be what you’re meant to be, what you were designed to be.
Everyday it’s a new disappointment, I should do it as a friend of mine told me to do, stay home and don’t even bother.
I’m done with being nice, people just don’t deserve it. I should be true to my own principals but I lost them along the away and patient is not even part of my vocabulary anymore.
This was, so far the worst night in my life. I wanted to say things I didn’t say because I couldn’t, I don’t like to ruin friends reunions. I’ll remain quiet and out of this field, I give up.
Today someone said this to me “People who maybe like you will be there” and truth is, some people maybe like me and some maybe not, some just pretend they like me.
I’m really done with people, I think I’ll start talking to animals but I guess I don’t really trust anything that’s alive.
I’m wasting my time trying to fit it, I mean I don’t even try I just do what I have to do, I do me either people like it or not. I’m not really afraid of saying what I feel and people will hardly hurt me. Only friends are capable to hurt me because when they do it I feel like “are you really my friend?”.
Friends can say the truth, but they don’t need to be arrogant. I can’t stand arrogance and that does ruin a friendship from my point of view, I’ll walk away. It’s not that hard, I’ve done it before I walked away on people. I’m not the one who doesn’t deserve them, they just don’t deserve me. 

After New York. 

Smoke Kills. Love Kills.

Smoke kills. Drinking alcohol kills. Driving drunk kills and so does love. Is it life worth living for? Love kills people, love kills. Have you ever heard someone saying "I died for love"? Well, love killed all the innocent and pure hearts that gave everything for love even their souls but love didn't give them anything back. We only love because we feel loved but what can we do when that love is not true? Nothing. Love is as bad as a cigarette, it reduces your life, it's an addiction. It makes you love more and live less and it's too late when you realize you wasted a life loving someone instead of loving life, giving everything you are instead of enjoying everything you are.
Love is a waste of me, a waste of tears, of smiles and fake laughs. Don't fall in love with me, I'll end up hurting you, punishing you, make you my puppy and in the end I'll understand I never loved you for real.
Yes I love someone although there's nothing I can do but forget. Life is too short for impossible loves, for tears, for losing fights. Some people were just not meant to be, some were. Some can't stay together, some were made to break each other’s hearts and some were made to be stuck forever to a love they don't love just because they think it was meant to be, you.
Coward!
And that's when I ask to myself, why do I still believe in people when everything I hear them say it's a lie?
But yes, I still think about you but you're leaving my body, my soul as you were just a tan. I thought you were a tattoo but maybe this is just a phase because deep deep inside I'm still hoping but I don't what to hope no more. You're gone, you killed me, that's it, I'm dead for you and I have to live with that. What will happen if I see you again? Some say I'm a good actress and even if I still feel something I might hide it, if I want but sometimes I feel like I have to keep it real, I have to show what I really feel but I guess you don't deserve it. Sincerely you don't deserve every minute I think about you, you don't deserve every piece of brain I waste saving our memories. I thought we could still be friends but you ran away from that simple job.
I'm not happy, I'm okay but I feel better when I don't feel anything.
I'm where some people really want me to be, I'm with my friends and right now there's no better feeling than this, they've known me since ever, could I ask for better? No! Even if I'm not emotionally okay with them I can give it a rest. I missed this, it's like we've never been apart, nothing changed.
But right now I'm emotionally unavailable, finally I got what I asked for, peace. No more boys or ex-boys, it's only me, myself and I and that's what I've been asking for. Some time for myself and it feels good, enjoying myself feels so damn good. I bet it sucks to be you right now and it's going to suck to be you every single day of your history.
I wanted you bad, I wanted you, not anymore. I don't know what I'd feel if you'd come back but sometimes we have to surrender and other times we have to fight. Weak people surrender because love might be the easiest way but I prefer the hard way, the painful path without man and/or love.
I’ve been dead but now I'm okay.

After New York.