Headache

Today I got back to London and all I wanted was to get home as soon as possible. 

My friend bailed me out, well I guess I'm used to it, I'm used to give too much of myself to who doesn't deserve and getting nothing back, not even friendship. 

I'm letting myself go I really am, I'm just waiting to see what happens to this crumbling fool I've became along all these years. I'm driving myself crazy inside this big globe full with loads of unnecessary people and unnecessary drama. I'm a Drama Queen, yes I recognize that, so what? I'm addicted to the drama, to the pain, is there anything wrong with that? I feel like I can't even live without tears on my face and everytime I smile I feel like I'm being stabbed by myself, I'm being unreal. What's wrong with being sad? I kind of like the feeling it's better than happiness. Why being so happy for when on the next day you find you lost the love you loved the most? Either is a person, an animal, anything that's part of this disgusting world but belonged to you in certain way. Why are you so self-centric for? Really? I respect your pain why can't you respect mine?

Right now I'm laying in my bed and it feels good to be sad, it feels good to remember and the first thing I’ve realized when I walked into this room is that it doesn't have my own smell it has yours, amazing how after loads and loads of seconds you odour is still lingers even if it's only inside my head, my imagination. 

I'm grieving, I buried my heart and your back to her and as Amy Winehouse said, I'm back to black. It feels weird not knowing about you... 

But at the same time it feels nice missing you, being away from you, it's helping me realize and I still got a lot to realize. Who doesn't? 

I thought I had the right people in my life, in fact I do but some just need to leave, they're not part of the whole picture. Unnecessary people!

I remember a time when I had to say hello to everyone, answer back to comments on hi5 and stuff like that, when I always wanted to dress good for school and be told I was looking nice... Old times, thanks God! I don't like that much attention and I really don't like people who think they deserve attention, annoying people! Some might think I'm desperately asking for attention, guess what? They don't really know me. In fact they'll never will. 

I'm not a very pleasant person and during times like this I can be really mean, I'm mean actually. I'm done with trying to be nice and super sociable. I'm not, got that? Don't like it? Too bad, I wasn't born to please you. 

I need to leave and when I say this I'm not talking about going to another country but maybe to another planet. No! I need to leave this body. 

I'm insane and you people don't want to believe, well you don't have too... I remember that day I was completely upset so as soon as I walked into my friend’s car I started hitting myself and pulling my hair. Gosh! I try, I really try to control it when I'm around people but that time I just had enough. I'm so fed up I don't know what's next... I'm afraid because I feel I'm capable of horrible things if I'm out of control. 

I don't want to be in control right now, I'm okay this way, I'm just being me and I'm done with controlling my impulses. 

Why don't you get a life instead of trying living mine? For f*ck sake!!!

After New York.